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Article about how to have more friends:
7 Secrets to Making Friends as an Adult. You just moved to a new city. All your friends are getting married or having kids.
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You retired. You got divorced. You've outgrown your childhood friends. You’ve been clinging to your spouse as your only friend and it’s making you lonely. There are many reasons why you might need to make new friends—and if you don’t need to make them now, you will at some point. Here, I’ll share some of the secrets in a step-by-step guide to making friends as an adult. Assume People Like You. Something surprising I learned while studying the science of friendship is that people who fear rejection the most are (unknowingly) most rejecting of others. Why? Research finds that people who assume they’ll be rejected (when circumstances are ambiguous—like when someone is quieter than usual) tend to withdraw and become cold, ultimately pushing others away and willing the rejection they fear. When researchers, however, told people they’d be accepted when entering a group (even when this wasn’t true), they shared more, disagreed less, and were more positive—ultimately making the premonition come true. Danu Anthony Stinson, a psychology professor at the University of Waterloo, and her colleagues remarked that “if people expect acceptance, they will behave warmly, which in turn will lead other people to accept them, if they expect rejection, they will behave coldly, which will lead to less acceptance.†So the more you assume people like you, the friendlier you’ll be, and the more they actually will. And I promise you won’t be deluded by assuming this. According to research on the liking gap, when strangers interacted, they later underestimated how liked they are by one another. This underestimation is even more pronounced for self-critical people. So assuming people like you might bring you closer to the truth. Don’t Wait for Friendships to Happen Organically. I met a woman who was remarkably friendly and asked her how she became that way. She told me her mother always told her “everybody wants to be your friend, they’re just waiting for you to initiate.†It’s true. You may think everyone already has their friends, but research shows we're lonelier than ever before. So many of us are waiting for someone else to initiate with us, but according to one study, when people viewed friendship as happening without effort, they were lonelier years later. When they viewed friendship as taking effort, they were less lonely. Pursue a Hobby in a Group. Rebecca G. Adams, a sociologist, remarked that friendships happen organically when we have repeated unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability. Unfortunately, as adults, we rarely experience these ingredients like we did as kids—playing at recess and schmoozing at lunch. Sure, we see our colleagues day after day, but workplaces aren’t known for fostering vulnerability. As adults, we have to recreate this infrastructure. We can do so by pursuing our favorite hobby in a community. You can join a hiking, running, or improv group, a book club, a language or meditation class, or a kickball league. Overcome Covert and Overt Avoidance. So you picked your group. You’re doing great! I once thought showing up was all it took, but as they say in the infomercials: wait, there’s more. Why Relationships Matter Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test Find a therapist to strengthen relationships. If you’ve shown up, you’ve overcome overt avoidance: when we stay home because we’re too afraid. Now you must overcome covert avoidance, which occurs when we show up physically but check out mentally. Covert avoidance manifests as diddling on your phone or chatting with the one person you already know. To overcome it, you must introduce yourself to others, “Hey. My name is_______. How long have you been coming to this [event]? How do you like it?†I know: that sounds scary. But remember—assume they like you and it won’t be. Keep Showing Up. So, you showed up to the group once and it was… awkward. You may be ready to run home, immerse yourself in reality television, and decide watching someone heave their cocktail at an unsuspecting victim has become more important than making friends. Such is life. But, before you do, you should know about the mere exposure effect, which describes our unconscious tendency to like people more when they are familiar to us. In one study, researchers had women show up at a psychology lecture for a varying number of classes: 0, 5, 10, or 15. At the end of the semester, students didn't recognize any of the women.
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Article about how to have more friends:
7 Secrets to Making Friends as an Adult. You just moved to a new city. All your friends are getting married or having kids.
GO TO SITE
You retired. You got divorced. You've outgrown your childhood friends. You’ve been clinging to your spouse as your only friend and it’s making you lonely. There are many reasons why you might need to make new friends—and if you don’t need to make them now, you will at some point. Here, I’ll share some of the secrets in a step-by-step guide to making friends as an adult. Assume People Like You. Something surprising I learned while studying the science of friendship is that people who fear rejection the most are (unknowingly) most rejecting of others. Why? Research finds that people who assume they’ll be rejected (when circumstances are ambiguous—like when someone is quieter than usual) tend to withdraw and become cold, ultimately pushing others away and willing the rejection they fear. When researchers, however, told people they’d be accepted when entering a group (even when this wasn’t true), they shared more, disagreed less, and were more positive—ultimately making the premonition come true. Danu Anthony Stinson, a psychology professor at the University of Waterloo, and her colleagues remarked that “if people expect acceptance, they will behave warmly, which in turn will lead other people to accept them, if they expect rejection, they will behave coldly, which will lead to less acceptance.†So the more you assume people like you, the friendlier you’ll be, and the more they actually will. And I promise you won’t be deluded by assuming this. According to research on the liking gap, when strangers interacted, they later underestimated how liked they are by one another. This underestimation is even more pronounced for self-critical people. So assuming people like you might bring you closer to the truth. Don’t Wait for Friendships to Happen Organically. I met a woman who was remarkably friendly and asked her how she became that way. She told me her mother always told her “everybody wants to be your friend, they’re just waiting for you to initiate.†It’s true. You may think everyone already has their friends, but research shows we're lonelier than ever before. So many of us are waiting for someone else to initiate with us, but according to one study, when people viewed friendship as happening without effort, they were lonelier years later. When they viewed friendship as taking effort, they were less lonely. Pursue a Hobby in a Group. Rebecca G. Adams, a sociologist, remarked that friendships happen organically when we have repeated unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability. Unfortunately, as adults, we rarely experience these ingredients like we did as kids—playing at recess and schmoozing at lunch. Sure, we see our colleagues day after day, but workplaces aren’t known for fostering vulnerability. As adults, we have to recreate this infrastructure. We can do so by pursuing our favorite hobby in a community. You can join a hiking, running, or improv group, a book club, a language or meditation class, or a kickball league. Overcome Covert and Overt Avoidance. So you picked your group. You’re doing great! I once thought showing up was all it took, but as they say in the infomercials: wait, there’s more. Why Relationships Matter Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test Find a therapist to strengthen relationships. If you’ve shown up, you’ve overcome overt avoidance: when we stay home because we’re too afraid. Now you must overcome covert avoidance, which occurs when we show up physically but check out mentally. Covert avoidance manifests as diddling on your phone or chatting with the one person you already know. To overcome it, you must introduce yourself to others, “Hey. My name is_______. How long have you been coming to this [event]? How do you like it?†I know: that sounds scary. But remember—assume they like you and it won’t be. Keep Showing Up. So, you showed up to the group once and it was… awkward. You may be ready to run home, immerse yourself in reality television, and decide watching someone heave their cocktail at an unsuspecting victim has become more important than making friends. Such is life. But, before you do, you should know about the mere exposure effect, which describes our unconscious tendency to like people more when they are familiar to us. In one study, researchers had women show up at a psychology lecture for a varying number of classes: 0, 5, 10, or 15. At the end of the semester, students didn't recognize any of the women.
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